i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
