You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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