I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
