its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
