On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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