I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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