dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
