i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
