My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
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What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'