I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
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The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.