So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die