"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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