Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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