had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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