Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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