If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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