I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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