Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
