We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
