someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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