this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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