Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
