why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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