Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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