i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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