your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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