my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
