okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
