I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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