You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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