I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
