I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
