saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
