I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
