turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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