Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
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Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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