I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
