she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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