i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
