My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
