did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
