so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
