Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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