I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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