I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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