just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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