shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
