I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
