rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
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New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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