doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
