I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
