...so i touched it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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