Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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