...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm like, not good at living.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
