is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
