My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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