If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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