the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
