She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
