I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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