I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
the raccoons are back...
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