I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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