3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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