Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
