Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He felt like a one man threesome
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
